my 2012 goal/resolution is to change my habits one at a time. i’ll give myself one habit to change each month–any more than that is too daunting–and focus on that one habit each month. i’m hoping that in doing this, i’ll end the year with several habits that have stuck and change myself for the better. i’m not worried if i don’t make all 12 at the end of the year, but there are several things i would very much like to continue focusing on. i got this idea from zen habits and think it’s really fantastic–a manageable way to tackle life changes.

for january my habit is to get active: i want to sweat every day this month. i started running in november and even started a fitness blog about it (i don’t want to turn this space into a fitness blog) and i’m in a much better place physically than i was then. however, my focus this month isn’t to lose weight (i’ve lost nary a pound since i’ve started running), but to just get my heart pumping. running three days a week, wii fit/stationary biking/rowing machine the other days (i don’t have the funds or desire to join a gym right now). i used to be very active, law school killed that, and now it’s (past) time to reverse course.

so here we go.

today is december 31st. the 365th day of 2011. if the mayans are right, it’s the last december 31st we’ll ever have (i have my doubts). 2o11 was the biggest roller coaster of a year i’ve yet experienced. so many tears: happy ones, frustrated ones, heartbroken ones. so many laughs. in short, it was just like any other year, but with some more milestones.

i graduated from law school.

i passed the bar.

my dog died. i neither blogged nor tweeted about this because i couldn’t bring myself to do it. definitely the worst part of 2011.

i went to virginia and portland. made new friends and reconnected with old friends.

i moved back to colorado after 7 years on the east coast.

i spent all of august, september, and october sailing.

i became an unemployed lawyer living with my parents. 

and most importantly, i discovered the truth of aristotle’s phrase: happiness depends upon ourselves.

into 2012 we go. as they say, cheers to the new year and another chance to get it right.

you and i have been paired together for nearly three years now. i first joined you in february 2009, while up late one night writing a brief for my 1L legal writing class, which was (naturally) due the next day. i wasn’t quite sure what i was signing up for, but figured you would be a nice way to get news instantly.

what you actually provided me has been nothing short of remarkable. through you i have been able to share in excess of 12,000 thoughts, ideas, jokes, frustrations, good news, fears. you have shown me the thoughts of my favorite celebrities, connected me with old professors (even through my cloak of pseudo-anonymity), and–most importantly–introduced me to this amazing community of people. people i don’t know in person but love more than many people i spend time with. people who have been there for my dark days and been the first to share in the joys of the good.

this past week, my father had his spine re-fused in a six hour surgery. never have i been more afraid. my dad is my best friend on earth and i have no idea how i’ll exist without him in my life. thank goodness that’s not something i have to address today. i sent out a tweet the day before surgery asking for good thoughts and prayers. not something i normally do, but i was terrified. in addition to the normal litany of surgical risks, this operation also brought with it some very horrifying possibilities. and the twitter response i received was overwhelming.

page after page of replies like that. left me speechless.

i rarely update facebook anymore. getting updates from people i know (and many i’d prefer not to) pales in comparison to you, twitter. it entertains me when people ask why i tweet and assume that i’m updating people who don’t care about my breakfast menu. why do i tweet? this amazing community.

twitter, you rock.

xx,
firecracker.

(via)

like many of my generation, i spend a lot of time on the internet. getting news, reading blogs, doing twitter, and otherwise interacting with friends spread to all corners of the world. i see lots of things i like, things that add joy to my life. i also see a lot of bullshit and things that increase my hatred for society tenfold.

if any of these describe your internet actions, you’re doing the internet wrong.

• you update your facebook more than once per day. that’s what twitter is for.
• your tweets are all about you. i know the internet is about being self-involved, but if you’re not engaging with other people or talking about more than what you ate for breakfast, chances are i’ll unfollow you soon.
• you don’t reply to your mentions. there are some people i follow for pure entertainment purposes (eg chrissy teigen–girlfriend is hilarious, you should follow her immediately) who i don’t expect to reply. but the others i follow are for interaction. if we follow each other and talk about the same things, i probably enjoy the interaction. and if you don’t reply to several of my directed tweets in a row, why are you following me?
• you don’t thank people. channel your inner emily post. if something great happens to you and you tweet/FB to spread the news, i’ll probably share your joy and offer my congratulations. when someone says congrats, say thank you. it’s simple. and you don’t even have to individually thank everyone. just one post that says “i appreciate the well wishes, thanks.” without it, you come off as incredibly ungrateful.
• you apologize for not blogging for a while. while i read your blog because i enjoy it, you’re not doing me a favor by posting. a lack of posts just means life is going on. there is nothing to apologize for.
  
• you truncate your blog posts. dicey topic, i know, but if your RSS feed provides only an excerpt, chances are VERY low i will click through. i use reader because i like to go to one place to read blogs. i don’t like to see you’ve posted and then be forced to go to another site to read it. what that says to me is you care more about making money from your blog than you do your readers, and that doesn’t sit well.
• you complain incessantly. whether it’s about how it’s monday and you’re tired, or you don’t like your job, or you’re SOOO hungover, please just stop. a complaint here and there is human. but when it happens 24/7, you’ve become debbie downer. and no one likes non-SNL debbie.
• you’re a typo machine. i’m not perfect and i don’t care if you’re perfect, but i do care if your material is so typo-laden to be nearly unreadable. you’re writing things for people to read. make it readable!
• you are offended by everything. there are many things to be offended by in this world. gross inequity, racism, the prevalence of misogyny in the 21st century. but if you are offended by every little thing that comes across your screen, you suck. i’m looking at you, people offended by everything on twitter, every joke you hear, every meme you see. take life a little more lightly and just calm the F down.

i found out a few weeks ago that i passed. i was sworn in on monday and i have a lot of thoughts (some might call them feelings) about my life preparing for and taking the exam, and then waiting for the results.

• shock. i spent ten weeks absolutely convinced i’d failed. my drive home the first day (my essay day) was marked by tears and a lot of anxiety. for 71 days, i had a pit in my stomach, not sure how i would be able to muster the energy to study again.
• relief. after the initial shock wore off, this was the predominant feeling. i can finally apply for jobs that require bar admission (ie: every lawyer job out there), which hopefully means i can get employed quickly and move out of my parents’ house (being 25 and living with mom and dad is every bit as glamorous as it sounds).
• fear. how the fuck can i possibly be responsible for real people’s serious issues? being a lawyer is serious business (SRS BZNS!) and i can hardly take care of myself. time to learn. asap.
• appreciation. i have the best friends in the entire world. they were all so supportive when i studied, offered good thoughts when i took it, and then helped me to celebrate when i passed. i have no clue how i got so lucky to have friends like these.
• curiosity. exam statistics are fascinating. apparently 17 people just didn’t show up. whether it was a car accident, some kind of emergency, or a conscious decision to not go, i can’t imagine what that must feel like.
• guilt. while i am really excited i passed, my heart breaks for the 204 people who failed this bar (and those who failed other states). there simply is too much material to know. i am positive that nearly all of those people studied HARD and did what they were supposed to, and just couldn’t get to 276 (passing score). i’m not smarter than them, i doubt i studied better, i just got lucky. and that makes me feel terrible.
• anger. people shouldn’t have to take this goddamned test to be an attorney. i have no desire to be a transactional attorney, yet i had to learn all about commercial paper and secured transactions. that won’t help my future clients. the NY times posted an interesting article yesterday calling for the elimination of law schools and bar exams. an interesting idea, but it ain’t going anywhere. as long as there is an ABA and active state bar associations, there will be law school and bar exam requirements. yay economic protectionism?
• fatigue. i never want to think about this goddamned test ever again.

troy anthony davis was executed last night, 22 years after the murder of officer mark macphail, for which davis was convicted. there is an extraordinary amount of opposition to davis’s execution and the death penalty in general. the NAACP launched a fantastic, albeit ultimately unsuccessful, campaign to save davis. because of their efforts, worldwide attention centered on georgia. davis received support from the likes of jimmy carter, al sharpton, pope benedict, desmond tutu, and millions others.

but none of it worked; davis ran out of appeals and was announced dead at 11:08pm.

i haven’t seen facebook or twitter that active since the great casey anthony debacle of early summer 2011; people are furious. and maybe they should be, but the point of this post isn’t to tell you what i think about troy davis, mark macphail, or the appeals process in this country. rather, my point is to ask a question to those of you expressing your moral outrage against this execution all over the internetz: what are you accomplishing? i’m sure it feels good to let everyone know how you feel about an issue, but what tangible impact do you have to show for it? have you done more than send tweets with #toomuchdoubt hashtags? have you done anything other than sign an online petition?

if this upsets you so much, why not actually do something? if you’re anti-death penalty, stand up against it! work with amnesty on their campaign to end the death penalty. stand up in support not only for davis, but also for lawrence russell brewer. stand up for timothy mcveigh. stand up for steven hayes. don’t just argue for the compelling cases, but fight when it’s hardest to do so.

for the record, i am not anti-death penalty. this is a position i arrived at following a great deal of inner strife and careful reflection. this may make me a bad person, but please don’t try to convince me i’m wrong. instead, try to convince your state legislature that they should stop all executions. join the efforts of the national coalition against the death penalty. join the forces of amnesty international.

i don’t care what you do. but jesus h. christ, do something. don’t just sit at your desk and watch the world go by. don’t be a slacktivist. you’re better than that.

but it’s over and i’m free for now, except for the stomach-turning, inside-rumbling worry that will be a constant companion until october. my plans for the next few months include a lot of sailing, applying to jobs (law and otherwise), trying to lose some weight, and otherwise avoiding my desk and laptop.

but before i get to all of that, i owe a few apologies. as it turns out, the bar is a miserable experience (shocking). and i’ve been a raging, evil, awful human being for the past two months. so horrendous i’ve made victoria beckham look like mother teresa. no bueno.

the problem is that i’m already a hateful asshole anyway, so i’m starting at a higher level of heinous than most. add to that the fact that i’m a redhead with a short fuse, coupled with the fact that i was PMSing (of course), and the barzam fury tornado (kind of like the sneaky hate spiral) was just the cherry on top.

with that said, apologies to the following:

i am going to fail.

i don’t say this for sympathy, i ain’t fishin’ for well wishes, i need to vent. my anxiety is at astronomical levels and i just don’t see how it is possible to learn all this material in the next 15 days.

i’m angry because this exercise is stupid. the law is not practiced in a room of thousands of anxiety-riddled attorneys. the law is not practiced in a closed-book environment. being an effective attorney does not require you to know every nuance of every field of law. i have no desire to EVER be a transactional attorney, yet here i am, studying the UCC.

i’m angry because after three years of school “worth” (i use that term loosely) six figures of debt, we have to pay another $2500 to take a class teaching us how to take the bar.

i’m angry because this a pure example of economic protectionism and is a crock of shit. lots of smart people fail, lots of stupid people pass. that is not determinative of one’s ability to be a successful advocate for a client.

i’m angry because this is the first time in my entire life i think i might fail something that i’ve prepared for. and that’s the most terrifying thought i’ve ever had. i’ve been worried about exams before but nothing prepared me for this level of fear, anger, and anxiety.

god speed fellow barzamers. i hope none of you are feeling this way (but i know some of you are). i’ll see you on the other side (maybe).

typical example (i’ve added some insightful commentary) (click to make it bigger):

intelligent minds can disagree about the casey anthony verdict, but to say that the jury is stupid (or FREAKING DUMB) is plain ignorant. the jurors were sequestered; they didn’t have access to some of the things the media has been showing and they certainly haven’t been watching nancy grace for the past six weeks. the trial was conducted in accordance with evidentiary rules and criminal procedure so that the verdict would be as fair as possible.

i gave up the thought long ago that i “knew” many things. certainly i have many opinions and there are some things i know, but whether or not casey killed caylee is something that NONE of us KNOW with certainty. what i do know is that the prosecution failed to meet their burden. beyond a reasonable doubt is an extraordinarily high standard and the prosecution did not provide enough evidence to displace with all doubt. that’s the standard in this country. without it, lynch mobs would be asserting “justice” by determining whether someone is guilty or not regardless of the evidence. constitutional protections, my friends, embrace it.

tuesday was a shitstorm on facebook. i heard all kinds of things on twitter about a facebook flame war over on ninja‘s wall. after a flurry of FB/twitter worlds colliding, all of the sudden MY wall was giving rise to an enormous firestorm. rather than describe it, i’ll let you read it:

it was going okay until kendra (a lady who owns the stables i used to ride at) inserted the dumbest statement of all time: you don’t understand because you don’t have kids. well excuuuuuuse me. i thought as a 24 year old i was allowed to form an opinion. apparently not. but ninja stepped in to save me. and then erin. and then zilla.

and then kendra defriended me.

i sent her message to the effect of “hey, my friends are a bit opinionated, hope your feelings weren’t hurt.” and i got this masterpiece in return:

i mean, i don’t even know where to start. should i start with the fact that the first amendment doesn’t apply? that we all have experiences and opinions? that telling someone she cannot understand something because she doesn’t have kids is super presumptuous and offensive? or that disagreeing with me on an issue doesn’t mean we cannot be friends?

good riddance, i suppose. i don’t get why she didn’t just delete the comment. but no, we’re no longer friends. hokay.

facebook be craycray.

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

happy independence day to all! so blessed to be able to call the last best hope for freedom my home.

i hope everyone is out celebrating and enjoying the day. as for me? i’ll be studying for the barzam.