broken heart.

i have found myself in the most inconsolable long-term despair which i have ever experienced. i know these things to be true:

  • sweet briar was the best thing to ever happen to me.
  • academically, i enjoy law school. but it’s not fun. not one bit.
  • i have the most wonderful friends in the world who i miss dearly.
  • i don’t like growing up.
  • my heart breaks a little more every day when i wake up and realize that i’m not at sweet briar.
  • being an adult terrifies me.
  • mediocrity scares me even more.
  • that which i want most in the entire world i cannot have.

i think i’ve finally found out what a broken heart feels like. i’ve never known what a broken heart feels like. i think, at long last, i’ve figured it out. my symptoms: extreme nostalgia. apathy in everything and everyone else. loneliness. detachment. frequent crying. emptiness.

the reason for my broken heart? not being at sweet briar. knowing that i’ll never be able to go back. the constant trepidation that my life will never be as great as it was at the briar. the comfort in knowing i was there, for however brief a time, but the sadness knowing i’ll never be able to go back, not really.  i’m doing my best to mask the pain and realize that my life is just different now, and i can make anything as wonderful as i want, but i know deep down that sweet briar is unbeatable. very few people understand because very few had that experience in college. i can count 143 of us, though.

loss is nothing else but change, and change is nature’s delight. – marcus aurelius

for now, i just have to understand that this is the price we pay. this is the price i’m paying for my future goals.  i’m so so so lucky to have had that experience, and i just need to make the choice to be happy here. i’m going home in 10 days for spring break and i don’t think i’ve ever been as happy to go home and see my fabulous family.

dona nobis pacem.


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