the year of no…

debbie downer post. sorry. move along if you want, i just had to write it out.

so this year has been very good in some ways and very bad in others. i’m so glad to not be a 1L, take classes [mostly] of my choosing, and associate with more people than just the 60 who were in my section last year. i had such a phenomenal summer, i knew coming back would try to deflate my spirits again, but so far, i’d had a pretty decent time staying happy. until the past few weeks, that is. everything is just finally catching up with me.

  • applying for jobs. of course this is a huge deal. this is a huge deal for anyone who doesn’t have a job and just about every second year law student anywhere. but with the economy in the dumps, places just aren’t hiring. apparently my “decent” grades from 1L year aren’t even enough to get me an interview anywhere, let alone a job. but holy crap! i’ve applied for 26 jobs so far, i’m in the top 1/3, have a solid resume, i was published 4 times this summer, and i can’t even get a call for an interview. i know i just have to keep applying until i find somewhere, but it’s really disheartening. i’m just raking up debt and don’t even know if i’ll ever be able to pay off my loans.
  • money. again, of course it’s a huge deal. anyone with a pulse who isn’t warren buffett is freaking out. but holy crap. $50k/year and i don’t know if i’ll have a job to ever pay that off. every time i grocery shop, i feel guilty. every time i do anything, i feel guilty and wonder how i’ll ever deal with this.
  • friends. i love them. they’re amazing. but it’s really tough to see my friends from undergrad moving on to their new lives, working, and having a blast while i study all the time. i say that my life has been put on hold, but that’s not accurate. this is my life now. i know that i chose it, but i just want to shout “wait for me”. it’s selfish, but it’s how i feel.
  • school. i know i’m doing what i need to be doing, but all i can think about is the bar. i can neither afford nor do i have the emotional fortitude to fail it. i genuinely enjoy what i’m learning, but i just don’t know if it’s something i’ll enjoy in the long run.
  • politics. i love history and politics and all that nerdy shit, but it’s even more disheartening than ever. for the first time in my life, i’m really upset about my own life, the constant worry of my best not being good enough, and then i read the news and feel like shit because my life is a fucking cakewalk compared to problems like this and this and this. and that’s just the tip of the iceberg!
  • moot court. tried out for that, got a big fat no today. i’m in good company, but that doesn’t make it any better.
  • other opportunities. applied for a whole bunch of shit, got a big fat no on most and crickets chirping still on a few. can’t they even have the decency of a “no”? leaving a kid hanging just ain’t cool.
  • parents! i love them to death and i don’t know how i could exist without them in my life [and i don’t know how i will when that becomes reality], but holy crap they’re driving me up the wall. they looooove to say “stop feeling sorry for yourself”. well excuse me, this is the big fucking elephant in my life and sometimes i do need to feel bad about it. they’re the most supportive people in the world, but sometimes i just wanna scream.

all of it sucks, but in the aggregate? i honestly don’t know how i can live like this. and i hate saying “oh yeah, well this is my life for now, but it’ll get better”. it is cliche to say, but we never know when the end is. a car crash could be the end of me tomorrow. i could get hit by a freaking train on thursday. i’m not trying to make light of this stuff, that happens all too frequently and is surely indicative of what life can be and is for some people.

i keep singing this song. i realize his sorrow is different, but it speaks to me.

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