adulthood?

so it seems that i have far more questions than i have answers.

when will i find a job?

what will i be when i grow up?

am i going to live out my dreams?

but the big one? the doozy staring me in the eye every morning when i crawl out of bed? the bastard that is waiting for “aha!” moments whenever it can sneak one in?

when am i going to be an adult?

you could say this was inspired by the lovely lisa’s most recent post. you could say this was inspired by my most recent experience at blowing out the candles. you could say this is just what comes with early-20s existence. probably a mix of all of that [but definitely a good portion from the fabulous lemon gloria].

hay zeus crease toe. i’m 23. whether that’s a “just” or “already” depends i guess on what side of that line you’re on. for me that’s terrifying. i’m a law student with a “trajectory” of a plan, but who the F knows if it’s real or plausible. at the end of the day, i go to bed alone, with an exorbitant debt load, and a general sense of hopelessness. when am i going to get that feeling of “this, this right here is my life”? i know this is it, but i know with equal force that 50 years from now, my early 20s will be a hazy memory of days toiling away in a library.

that might’ve been good enough for justice scalia, but i have to be realistic. my academic pursuits aren’t going to get me to be a justice or top law firm partner. i’m the face of mediocrity and at some point, i’m going to have to come to terms with that. is that when i’m going to “be” an adult? when i lose my dreams for the future? when i can no longer say “this is what i’m doing now, but this is my goal”?

maybe it’s when i have to pay for my own car insurance?

that’s what i’ll go with for now, which gives me 1.5 more years as a quasi-youth. i’ll take whatever i can get.

my biggest fear: being jon arbuckle in the garfield minus garfield days. tell me that’s not utterly depressing and terrifying.