as you may know, i landed my dream job this summer. working for a firm whose mission i wholeheartedly support and being paid to do so. what could be better? [maybe if it weren’t in the hottest place ever, but hey, win some, lose some.] as it turns out, i’m an idiot and my bosses both know it. not necessarily at work – i’ve gotten positive feedback about my work itself – but in the social graces department. the things coming out of my mouth are atrocious and make me want to punch myself repeatedly.
a sampling of the moronic things i’ve said over the past month:
- when is the election? you know that big one? that’s always on the tuesday after the first monday of november? yup, that one.
- boss 2: in 1997 when i was in college you were, what, in middle school? me, proudly: grammar school! some things, such as age, should not be rubbed in.
- at a staff meeting after my polo trip: boss 1: how was newport? me: great! the polo match raised a lot of money for a great organization! boss 2, coughing: polo match? you flew 4000 miles for a polo match? maybe i should’ve stayed quiet about the match and just said we raised money for the homeless. oops.
- talking about 21st birthday party stories: me: mine was a seersucker party. i have a hard time with mint juleps even today. boss 2: was this before or after you got a swirlie from the cool kids? the southwest does not appreciate the same things as the south. bastards.
- discussing bow ties and the inability of boss 2 to tie them: me: i can show you! boss 2: another trick you learned at your all-women’s college? me: no, this is from frat party lessons at our all-male brother school! sounding like a frat ho is not necessarily the best image to project.
- hey ma! the meatloaf! we want it now! quoting wedding crashers in casual conversation only works if everyone has seen said movie.
- talking about the us open and graeme mcdowell: me: if he wanted to be the future mr. firecracker, i would support that. ROLL TIDE! boss 1: an SEC fan? thank goodness you’re not here in the fall. actually, i’ll stand behind this one. who cares about what’s going on in the pac 10 and big 12 when you have the SEC? lovelovelove.
i’m sure there will be more to come, which of course i’ll share immediately.
congratulations, boss-man! you hired an idiot!