i’m judgmental, i scoff, and i have a general sense of disdain for most people. all part of my charm. i mean, hey, life as a ginger is tough. you have to deal with constant south park references [yes, i have a soul – it’s going straight to hell], worry about skin damage [i’m flirting with a melanoma]*, and ya know, look funny. so as a coping mechanism, i’m a douchetruck.
today’s bitchiness is brought to you by the letter L. lawyers! i know, hard to believe that this profession breeds hate. but hey, i don’t make the rules, i just work here.
my office went on a field trip today! the prospect of going on a field trip when you’re an adult [i use that term loosely] is just as exciting as when you’re in third grade. added bonus: transportation via boss’s fancy car instead of a yellow bus. total win.
we went to the state’s supreme court to listen to oral arguments. these people are reasonably smart – they passed the bar, passed law school, and [the part that actually takes talent] were able to convince clients to let them handle things that are, presumably, quite important. but man, some of these people make terrible litigation decisions. not substantively – their arguments were all good – but the
petty fun stuff. so, to be bitchy helpful, i’ve compiled a list of things people should consider when advocating to a court.
- polyester flatters no one.
- if your skirt suit is short enough to show your cooch, it’s too short. [rule of thumb: things that fly in vegas are not appropriate for court.]
- it’s okay to say “i don’t know” to a judge.
- don’t interrupt the judges.
- use your time wisely. 20 minutes [or whatever you have] ain’t much, so don’t waste it on pointless arguments.
- rethink the molestache.
- don’t use legal terms of art for a different meaning. biggest offender? per se.
- if you have a nervous habit, control it. don’t be distracting.
- men: wear a full suit, not just a blazer/slacks. particularly if this is your client’s last real chance before riding old sparky.
- do not say unfair. due process and estoppel arguments? totally fine. whining about something being unfair makes you sound like a baby slamming a sippy cup on your high chair because green beans [or whatever babies eat] are icky.
i mean, really? don’t these people have bosses to stop them from being absurd? at least someone to moot with? oy.
*if you haven’t seen that SNL skit, you absolutely must. it is, by far, the funniest thing i’ve ever seen. and no, i don’t actually have skin cancer.
have y’all seen anything lately absurd in court? tubetops masquerading as skirts? afros “complementing” custom suits? spill.