hateful mcjudgypants

i’m judgmental, i scoff, and i have a general sense of disdain for most people. all part of my charm. i mean, hey, life as a ginger is tough. you have to deal with constant south park references [yes, i have a soul – it’s going straight to hell], worry about skin damage [i’m flirting with a melanoma]*, and ya know, look funny. so as a coping mechanism, i’m a douchetruck.

today’s bitchiness is brought to you by the letter L. lawyers! i know, hard to believe that this profession breeds hate. but hey, i don’t make the rules, i just work here.

my office went on a field trip today! the prospect of going on a field trip when you’re an adult [i use that term loosely] is just as exciting as when you’re in third grade. added bonus: transportation via boss’s fancy car instead of a yellow bus. total win.

anyway.

we went to the state’s supreme court to listen to oral arguments. these people are reasonably smart – they passed the bar, passed law school, and [the part that actually takes talent] were able to convince clients to let them handle things that are, presumably, quite important. but man, some of these people make terrible litigation decisions. not substantively – their arguments were all good – but the petty fun stuff. so, to be bitchy helpful, i’ve compiled a list of things people should consider when advocating to a court.

  • polyester flatters no one.
  • if your skirt suit is short enough to show your cooch, it’s too short. [rule of thumb: things that fly in vegas are not appropriate for court.]
  • it’s okay to say “i don’t know” to a judge.
  • don’t interrupt the judges.
  • use your time wisely. 20 minutes [or whatever you have] ain’t much, so don’t waste it on pointless arguments.
  • rethink the molestache.
  • don’t use legal terms of art for a different meaning. biggest offender? per se.
  • if you have a nervous habit, control it. don’t be distracting.
  • men: wear a full suit, not just a blazer/slacks. particularly if this is your client’s last real chance before riding old sparky.
  • do not say unfair. due process and estoppel arguments? totally fine. whining about something being unfair makes you sound like a baby slamming a sippy cup on your high chair because green beans [or whatever babies eat] are icky.

i mean, really? don’t these people have bosses to stop them from being absurd? at least someone to moot with? oy.

*if you haven’t seen that SNL skit, you absolutely must. it is, by far, the funniest thing i’ve ever seen. and no, i don’t actually have skin cancer.

have y’all seen anything lately absurd in court? tubetops masquerading as skirts? afros “complementing” custom suits? spill.

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2 Comments

Filed under asshole alert, law school

2 responses to “hateful mcjudgypants

  1. If I had a dollar for every too short skirt I’ve seen on a lady lawyer, I’d be debt free.

  2. It’s shocking what educated people do/say/wear. I’m just as flummoxed to how/why college educated people don’t know how to use a credit card appropriately (a coworker recently complained about having a 26 percent interest rate because of her age, I was like, hate to break it to you, but I’m your age and my worst rate is 12 percent…with rewards…you’re doing it wrong), or can’t file a 1040EZ or figure out how to change the windshield wipers on their car. There are plenty of things I can barely do (send a fax, certified mail, go to the post office at all), and I wish there had been a class in college called “How to be an Adult.”

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