i know this post is a few weeks late, but this is the first time i’ve been able to muster the energy to post. i know this won’t be news for most of you, but it will be for a few, so here it is.
i found out a few weeks ago that i passed. i was sworn in on monday and i have a lot of thoughts (some might call them feelings) about my life preparing for and taking the exam, and then waiting for the results.
- shock. i spent ten weeks absolutely convinced i’d failed. my drive home the first day (my essay day) was marked by tears and a lot of anxiety. for 71 days, i had a pit in my stomach, not sure how i would be able to muster the energy to study again.
- relief. after the initial shock wore off, this was the predominant feeling. i can finally apply for jobs that require bar admission (ie: every lawyer job out there), which hopefully means i can get employed quickly and move out of my parents’ house (being 25 and living with mom and dad is every bit as glamorous as it sounds).
- fear. how the fuck can i possibly be responsible for real people’s serious issues? being a lawyer is serious business (SRS BZNS!) and i can hardly take care of myself. time to learn. asap.
- appreciation. i have the best friends in the entire world. they were all so supportive when i studied, offered good thoughts when i took it, and then helped me to celebrate when i passed. i have no clue how i got so lucky to have friends like these.
- curiosity. exam statistics are fascinating. apparently 17 people just didn’t show up. whether it was a car accident, some kind of emergency, or a conscious decision to not go, i can’t imagine what that must feel like.
- guilt. while i am really excited i passed, my heart breaks for the 204 people who failed this bar (and those who failed other states). there simply is too much material to know. i am positive that nearly all of those people studied HARD and did what they were supposed to, and just couldn’t get to 276 (passing score). i’m not smarter than them, i doubt i studied better, i just got lucky. and that makes me feel terrible.
- anger. people shouldn’t have to take this goddamned test to be an attorney. i have no desire to be a transactional attorney, yet i had to learn all about commercial paper and secured transactions. that won’t help my future clients. the NY times posted an interesting article yesterday calling for the elimination of law schools and bar exams. an interesting idea, but it ain’t going anywhere. as long as there is an ABA and active state bar associations, there will be law school and bar exam requirements. yay economic protectionism?
- fatigue. i never want to think about this goddamned test ever again.