i have a serious problem with envy. always have. if i see a person who has something i want and don’t or can’t have, i become very sour. it’s always been a big flaw of mine that seems to have gotten worse lately. when you feel your life is in neutral, it’s really hard to see everyone go forward with their lives: getting sweet jobs, getting engaged/married, riding fantastic horses, and leading lives that look nearly perfect from the outside. facebook just adds to the problem. people post all the great things in their lives, but little of the crappy. it’s a really disingenuous way to keep up with people–life is the good and the bad. i don’t think most people are intentionally trying to be dishonest, they’d just rather focus on the positive. i do it too.
i reached a point a few weeks ago when i realized how negative an impact facebook was having on me: i had become resentful of my friends for their success. if that doesn’t make me a shitty friend, i don’t know what does. why should i be bitter that my friends are leading the lives they’ve sought for years? why should i begrudge them their happiness? after all, i have a lot of great things in the world, i’m just not where i thought i’d be at 25.
so i deleted facebook. i’m not good at having it without using it (my college roommate and i took each other’s passwords during exams every year in college and grad/law school because we’re terribly impulsive), so deleting was the only way to go. it’s been a few weeks and the changes were immediately obvious. i may not have an awesome litigation job making six figures a year, but i have a job that gives me income and a daily purpose. i may not have an awesome apartment, but i live rent free with my parents (who i get along with well) and that’s a super sweet situation. i may not be riding right now, but sailing season is just about to start. in short, i have a lot to be grateful for, and comparing myself to others is certainly not a healthy way to live. i’m in a much better place mentally without facebook and figure that if people really want to stay in touch, they will. i’ll reach out in other ways to the people i want to, not the tangential people who i haven’t seen in years (my definition of friend is quite loose).
in the same vein, i unfollowed a lot of people on twitter. there are so many people who spend all their time posting every negative thought that comes to mind and i just can’t be around that kind of bullshit.
this is part of operation: get my shit together. i’ll fill you in on more of it later, but it’s definitely going well so far.