do you ever play the enough game? it’s where you couch everything in relative terms.
i’m smart, but not smart enough.
i’m pretty, but not pretty enough.
i’m skinny, but not skinny enough.
it’s an evil, awful, self-deprecating game that does nothing but make you feel like garbage. it is also a game at which i excel.
i absolutely love my job. it is my dream job times a million billion. unfortunately, it is a fellowship and my contract is only through the spring. i would do just about anything to have this job forever. shit, for the fellowship, i took a massive pay cut and moved somewhere where i
have had no interest in living and very few friends. i spend most of my time loving this job, as obvious from my twitter feed (which i’m sure is annoying, sorry). but other times i am just overcome with anxiety as to what i’ll do once the fellowship ends. i think i’ll be able to find something else, but nothing i enjoy in any measure like this. while i’m smart and capable at my job, i’m clearly not smart enough to be hired as a permanent attorney. while i’m valuable on one of our cases (the depth at which i understand a certain southern state’s campaign finance laws is a little frightening), i’m not valuable enough to be brought on for the long haul.
similarly, i’ve lost 45 pounds since the end of april. i can’t see any of it gone from my body. i think my face looks a touch skinnier, but that’s it. i know i’ve lost inches because of the ways my clothes fit (my pants actually fell off my butt at work a few weeks ago–oops), but i don’t feel i look skinnier. i’m skinnier than i was, but not skinny enough. (side note: not anorexic, still considered overweight by the fuckers over at BMI.)
this isn’t a post where i’m fishing for compliments. this is a post that’s really hard to write (and i hesitate to publish) because, yanno, feelings (fuck those things). i don’t know if or when i’ll ever be good enough to meet my own expectations. my life is better now than it has been in a very long time. rather than enjoy it, i’m focusing on the ways in which i don’t measure up. i wish i could shelve this stupid game.
alternate title: i’m so messed up.