2012

wow, what a year.

imagine, if you will, that said in a similar manner to marv merchants:

 

for me, 2012 was an unimaginable year. if you had asked me last december what i thought would come my way this year, i wouldn’t in a million years have suggested anything resembling what this year turned out to be.

so i’m sitting there in june, doing a job i did not much like in colorado.  it paid well, but i was living with my parents, suffering through a benefit-less doc review hell hole, and i was so damn bored (lowlight: i once took a problem to my supervisor and was told that i wasn’t paid to think. FOR REAL). i felt like i was stuck in neutral.  i had applied for a fellowship in 2011, but was starting to worry it wouldn’t pan out and i’d be neutral forever. but then, one wednesday afternoon in late june, i got the email of my dreams, things came together quickly, and i moved to arizona in july for my new adventure! my job has been a million times better than i’d ever expected. i spend all day, every day doing what i love and work i believe in. in addition to learning all kinds of lawyerly things (discovery! deposition techniques! motion practice! dropping em dashes everydamnwhere!), i’ve also learned that if you don’t want to lose someone’s attention, you tell them you do first amendment law rather than campaign finance. my job’s taken me to mississippi, florida, DC, and bunch of random airports in between. to say it’s been a dream come true is an understatement (though not all peaches–protip: don’t move to arizona in july. holy damned hell).

in april i decided to change my life in a big way. i lost 45 pounds and have managed to stay within a 5 pound range for the last 4 months. that’s been fun. i also went from running 0 to running 15 miles a week and back to 0 (oops). hoping to get back to running in 2013.

moreover, i found out that my long-held skepticism (or rather, rejection) of love is dissipating, to say the least. my heart–the organ i thought to exist only to pump blood–actually serves an emotional purpose. turns out, i’m really bad at dealing with my feelings (26 years of shoving feelings down by any means necessary has left me incapable of handling stuff), but that doesn’t mean the feelings are insignificant. wish i could tell yall more, but c’est la vie.

truth be told, i’m afraid of 2013. i’m afraid that after such a spectacular 2012, it’ll be impossible to improve on–or even maintain–and next year will be a letdown. i’m afraid that once my fellowship is over, i’ll go back to a shitty job that leaves me unfulfilled.  i’m afraid that my heart will return to the charcoaly little brick it’s been forever.

so now i’m sitting here on new year’s eve, on my couch, with a glass of malbec and streaming white collar (current addiction) on netflix. there’s nowhere else i’d rather be (that’s a lie, but this is a damn fine runner up). cheers to you all to a happy new year and a wonderful 2013.

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