games

do you ever play the enough game? it’s where you couch everything in relative terms.

i’m smart, but not smart enough.

i’m pretty, but not pretty enough.

i’m skinny, but not skinny enough.

it’s an evil, awful, self-deprecating game that does nothing but make you feel like garbage. it is also a game at which i excel.

i absolutely love my job. it is my dream job times a million billion. unfortunately, it is a fellowship and my contract is only through the spring. i would do just about anything to have this job forever. shit, for the fellowship, i took a massive pay cut and moved somewhere where i have had no interest in living and very few friends. i spend most of my time loving this job, as obvious from my twitter feed (which i’m sure is annoying, sorry). but other times i am just overcome with anxiety as to what i’ll do once the fellowship ends. i think i’ll be able to find something else, but nothing i enjoy in any measure like this. while i’m smart and capable at my job, i’m clearly not smart enough to be hired as a permanent attorney. while i’m valuable on one of our cases (the depth at which i understand a certain southern state’s campaign finance laws is a little frightening), i’m not valuable enough to be brought on for the long haul.

similarly, i’ve lost 45 pounds since the end of april. i can’t see any of it gone from my body. i think my face looks a touch skinnier, but that’s it. i know i’ve lost inches because of the ways my clothes fit (my pants actually fell off my butt at work a few weeks ago–oops), but i don’t feel i look skinnier. i’m skinnier than i was, but not skinny enough. (side note: not anorexic, still considered overweight by the fuckers over at BMI.)

this isn’t a post where i’m fishing for compliments. this is a post that’s really hard to write (and i hesitate to publish) because, yanno, feelings (fuck those things). i don’t know if or when i’ll ever be good enough to meet my own expectations. my life is better now than it has been in a very long time. rather than enjoy it, i’m focusing on the ways in which i don’t measure up. i wish i could shelve this stupid game.

alternate title: i’m so messed up.

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gifs > words

a dear friend sent me an email the other day with links to a new favorite tumblr: #myfriendsaremarried.

shit is HILARIOUS. as a single 26 year old, you’d think i have leprosy the way some people treat me. i’m single by choice. i don’t want a relationship right now; i’m pretty fulfilled between my job and drinking with my friends and out at bars and all by myself (AND FOOTBALL IS BAAAAAAAACK). but some of my college friends think that the most important thing in life is to get married and that i’m seriously deprived. being single isn’t a character flaw and i’m so fucking sick of the suggestion that it is.

anywhoozits, this tumblr is hilarious. a few favorites:

when my friend tells me i’m dating the wrong kinds of men:

(via) (i may never learn, but hot damn there is something so wonderful about douchecanoes.)

when my married friend says there a lot of perks to being single:

(via)

when my friend tells me my biological clock is ticking:

(via)

when someone asks me why i’m still single:

(via) (if the shoe fits…)

when someone tells me to try online dating:

(via)

when someone says you will find someone when you least expect it:

(via)

 

ETA: i absolutely do not resent my friends’ relationships. being single is right for me now, not right for everyone. i just tire of the hints and flat out statements that something is wrong with me because of my relationship status.

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neil armstrong

the following speech, which thankfully went unread, was to be given in the event that the apollo 11 mission failed.

Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace.

These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice.

These two men are laying down their lives in mankind’s most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding.

They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by their nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown.

In their exploration, they stirred the people of the world to feel as one; in their sacrifice, they bind more tightly the brotherhood of man.

In ancient days, men looked at stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood.

Others will follow, and surely find their way home. Man’s search will not be denied. But these men were the first, and they will remain the foremost in our hearts.

For every human being who looks up at the moon in the nights to come will know that there is some corner of another world that is forever mankind.

(via)

for a girl who loves space (seriously–space camp ’98 alum), learning of neil armstrong’s death is distressing.  some day, the pyramids will crumble, the statue of liberty will sink into the harbor, the great wall will collapse, and the greatest works of man will fade away.  but the landing site of apollo 11 will remain and neil armstrong’s footprint–on the moon and on society–will stay exactly as it is. he and NASA’s other astronauts changed the world. he was the face of bravery and, to borrow from president obama, he carried with him the dreams of this country. what a remarkable life he led. rest in peace.

 

(via)

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life update

so hi. it’s been a while. i’ve been tweeting but not blogging. all the more reason to follow me on twitter. UPDATES:

i got a new job. and not just any job, but my dream job–the one which i imagined when envisioning my perfect life. i’m doing a one year fellowship, so it’s not a permanent job, but it is giving me a foot in the door into the life i want. i’m a lawyer at a non-profit and work on cases i deeply believe in. i work with some of the most passionate and skilled people i’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting and i’m learning a TON. it’s insanely humbling, too. yanno how people say law school doesn’t prepare you to practice? HUGE FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT. if anyone has any suggestions for a good book or other resource that’ll help bridge the gap, please let me know.

i moved. i now live in a crazy ass state where it’s hot all the time, which has been a huge adjustment. but my apartment is super cute and not living with my parents anymore is glorious,the stuff about which angels sing.

i lost 39 pounds. i more or less gave up eating carbs at the end of april. i still have a ways to go, but i feel so much better. problem: none of my clothes fit anymore. i was at a deposition last week and my skirt almost fell off when i bent over to grab some papers. please take me seriously, state attorney, as my clothes fall off in the middle of your conference room. ewps. i took a suit to a new-to-me tailor yesterday and he was hilarious. “why don’t you buy clothes that fit?” “they fit when i bought them.” “oh, so you were fat. but not anymore! good job.” well played, little old man, well played.

i’m still insanely in love with window seats on a flight. it’s where i do my best soul-searching. two days after i moved, i flew to DC for work. it was then that things finally felt real. the past year has been really challenging and to finally have things headed in the right direction is overwhelming. so i was the crazy person weeping while being glued to the window.

that’s about it. i hope you all are and have been well. i’d like to think i’ll blog more, but i suppose we’ll see.

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Filed under 2012, job search, life

legal jobs, statistics, and stupidity

i graduated from law school in may 2011–a touch over a year ago. i was admitted to the bar in october and spent october through march unemployed. my job now certainly isn’t a dream job, but it gives me something to do while i bide my time waiting for something else to come through (it’s a specific something else, but i’m not ready to go into it yet because yanno, jinxes).

the job market absolutely blows, which most recent grads understand. the wall street journal law blog posted an article yesterday discussing job stats for the class of 2011. bottom line: it’s grim. overall employment rate: 85.6%. that’s the lowest since 1994. even better: only 66% of recent grads are in jobs that require bar membership.

i may not have known the statistics, but i understand the reality of these numbers. i cannot count the number of friends i have who passed the bar, have 6-figure debt, and are doing doc review or other less than glamorous jobs. because of the 2008 crash and employment statistic fraud by law schools, so many of us are barely able to tread water, let alone have the lives we’d imagined.

because i’m a masochist, i read the comments on the article. most are hateful people saying society doesn’t need more lawyers, the class of 2011 is lazy, and we all lack good judgment–the usual absurd comments talking in generalities. but none of them pissed me off as much as this one:

rising 2L has passed one semester of school and is probably still waiting on grades for the spring. suddenly this kid knows how easily lawyers can get jobs? there used to be a point in life when i thought i knew everything. that attitude was smacked clear out of me by 2L year. finding employment for 1L summer is easy. i know this because my friends and i all did it. none of us had an issue finding a job 1L summer. same for 2L summer. during 3L year, i did a clinic and an externship. i’ve had a lot of diverse experience and i’m having a very difficult time finding a permanent lawyer job job. the state bar association emails me with job postings; 10:1 require at least 1 year lawyer experience. the few jobs that allow for new lawyers are inundated with apps (one i applied for received 211 applications, including lawyers with 5+ years experience). it’s insane. i just lost out on a campaign finance job with the state that had 96 qualified applications. after the oral and written exams, i came in 5th (they interview the top 3). of the people who beat me, the youngest was 35 and they’d all been practicing for more than 5 years. it was an entry level job and i lost out to very seasoned competitors. how am i supposed to compete with that?

i’m many things, but lazy is not one of them. i worked my butt off in law school. i worked my butt of studying for the bar. i was not in the bottom half of my class, i do put forth the effort in finding a job, and i do have sufficient social skills, you shitheaded, obtuse little moron not-even-a-2L.

one of the best things about growing up is learning how very little you actually know. there is so very much information in this world and it simply isn’t possible to know it all. not understanding how little you actually know is a sign of how immature you still are. this kid could do well to learn that lesson.

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too perfect to not share

(via)

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on being grateful

i have a serious problem with envy. always have. if i see a person who has something i want and don’t or can’t have, i become very sour. it’s always been a big flaw of mine that seems to have gotten worse lately. when you feel your life is in neutral, it’s really hard to see everyone go forward with their lives: getting sweet jobs, getting engaged/married, riding fantastic horses, and leading lives that look nearly perfect from the outside. facebook just adds to the problem. people post all the great things in their lives, but little of the crappy. it’s a really disingenuous way to keep up with people–life is the good and the bad. i don’t think most people are intentionally trying to be dishonest, they’d just rather focus on the positive. i do it too.

i reached a point a few weeks ago when i realized how negative an impact facebook was having on me: i had become resentful of my friends for their success. if that doesn’t make me a shitty friend, i don’t know what does. why should i be bitter that my friends are leading the lives they’ve sought for years? why should i begrudge them their happiness? after all, i have a lot of great things in the world, i’m just not where i thought i’d be at 25.

so i deleted facebook. i’m not good at having it without using it (my college roommate and i took each other’s passwords during exams every year in college and grad/law school because we’re terribly impulsive), so deleting was the only way to go. it’s been a few weeks and the changes were immediately obvious. i may not have an awesome litigation job making six figures a year, but i have a job that gives me income and a daily purpose. i may not have an awesome apartment, but i live rent free with my parents (who i get along with well) and that’s a super sweet situation. i may not be riding right now, but sailing season is just about to start. in short, i have a lot to be grateful for, and comparing myself to others is certainly not a healthy way to live. i’m in a much better place mentally without facebook and figure that if people really want to stay in touch, they will. i’ll reach out in other ways to the people i want to, not the tangential people who i haven’t seen in years (my definition of friend is quite loose).

in the same vein, i unfollowed a lot of people on twitter. there are so many people who spend all their time posting every negative thought that comes to mind and i just can’t be around that kind of bullshit.

this is part of operation: get my shit together. i’ll fill you in on more of it later, but it’s definitely going well so far.

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