accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
– marcus aurelius.
i want–so badly–to believe that fate exists.
that there’s some method to the madness. that, when the bad comes, it’s tempered by the future good. that it’ll all be okay, because of some linear plan from a higher power or being or idea.
but i’m not there yet.
in 2011, i graduated from law school with no clear plan of what was coming next. i graduated without a job and took the bar. i passed but it became clear that my dad, who ultimately had 3 major surgeries in 5 months, would need help. i gladly stayed home and helped care for him while applying for jobs. i received rejection letter after rejection letter and very quickly became disheartened. doc review happened while i continued my search for a permanent (or at least non-temp) job. as fate would have it (maybe), i had applied for a fellowship loooong before and was accepted pending placement (meaning: i’d need to find a company that would accept me 40hrs a week with some complications). a cynic, i did not expect anything to come of it. to my dismay, i got a sweet gig with my dream office.
is it fate? had i been accepted at any of the other jobs, i wouldn’t be here, doing something i believe in, so strongly, every day. had any of the other seemingly-million options gone a different way, i wouldn’t have taken this dream job, moved, and had such awesome mentors. all those rejections crushed me. was it fate? was that destruction of my soul necessary such that i could be here today?
had the offices whose rejections then-destroyed me given an offer instead, my life would’ve been very, very different right now. maybe i would’ve been working on something i believe in, maybe i’d just be getting by. who knows? that’s the thing about life–while there are many options, there’s only one route you can go down.
but my fellowship is up in may and i’m thinking about what’s next. i desperately need a job i can believe in. will i find one? i came to believe in love while here. will that work out? will something entirely different–something i am currently unable to identify–present itself and be my next necessary step?
i guess what i’m trying to say is that, because i wouldn’t have predicted this a year ago, maybe fate is a real thing. maybe there’s this life plan held together by a omniscient thing who/that knows what the future holds and what is necessary for my future. i don’t know the answer, but i know i’m afraid. i’m scared of rejection. i’m scared of being sad. i’m scared of the unknown. i’m scared of not being in control of my life.