monday check-in

totally stolen from ang.

obsessing over: lace skirt i got from jcrew a few months ago. it was the only one there, just happened to fit me perfectly, and was on crazy sale. wear it all the time, still not over it.

working on: gaining confidence in my work. there are some things i’m totally confident about because i know them for a certainty. but the rest of the stuff i work on that i know (certainly competent, just not 100%) suffers from a real confidence problem. it’s not an effective use of resources to understand everything as well as i know a certain southern state’s campaign $ laws, but it’s really frustrating knowing how to straddle the line.

thinking about: the existence of love and whether or not i’ll ever believe in it or experience it (hence the drinking category below).

anticipating: going home thursday! it’ll be a whirlwind trip, but i’m looking forward to it.

listening to: fleetwood mac like it’s going out of style (we’ll just pretend they didn’t go out of style in the 80s).

drinking: that firecracker wine i blogged about yesterday. it’s gross, but i’m not (yet) the type of person to throw alcohol away. maybe someday.

wishing: that i could have productive feelings resulting in a normal relationship instead of the fucked up reality that is my life.

added category:
hating: that i can’t afford all the things i want. also that there is so much i want when i have so much to begin with.

games

do you ever play the enough game? it’s where you couch everything in relative terms.

i’m smart, but not smart enough.

i’m pretty, but not pretty enough.

i’m skinny, but not skinny enough.

it’s an evil, awful, self-deprecating game that does nothing but make you feel like garbage. it is also a game at which i excel.

i absolutely love my job. it is my dream job times a million billion. unfortunately, it is a fellowship and my contract is only through the spring. i would do just about anything to have this job forever. shit, for the fellowship, i took a massive pay cut and moved somewhere where i have had no interest in living and very few friends. i spend most of my time loving this job, as obvious from my twitter feed (which i’m sure is annoying, sorry). but other times i am just overcome with anxiety as to what i’ll do once the fellowship ends. i think i’ll be able to find something else, but nothing i enjoy in any measure like this. while i’m smart and capable at my job, i’m clearly not smart enough to be hired as a permanent attorney. while i’m valuable on one of our cases (the depth at which i understand a certain southern state’s campaign finance laws is a little frightening), i’m not valuable enough to be brought on for the long haul.

similarly, i’ve lost 45 pounds since the end of april. i can’t see any of it gone from my body. i think my face looks a touch skinnier, but that’s it. i know i’ve lost inches because of the ways my clothes fit (my pants actually fell off my butt at work a few weeks ago–oops), but i don’t feel i look skinnier. i’m skinnier than i was, but not skinny enough. (side note: not anorexic, still considered overweight by the fuckers over at BMI.)

this isn’t a post where i’m fishing for compliments. this is a post that’s really hard to write (and i hesitate to publish) because, yanno, feelings (fuck those things). i don’t know if or when i’ll ever be good enough to meet my own expectations. my life is better now than it has been in a very long time. rather than enjoy it, i’m focusing on the ways in which i don’t measure up. i wish i could shelve this stupid game.

alternate title: i’m so messed up.

gifs > words

a dear friend sent me an email the other day with links to a new favorite tumblr: #myfriendsaremarried.

shit is HILARIOUS. as a single 26 year old, you’d think i have leprosy the way some people treat me. i’m single by choice. i don’t want a relationship right now; i’m pretty fulfilled between my job and drinking with my friends and out at bars and all by myself (AND FOOTBALL IS BAAAAAAAACK). but some of my college friends think that the most important thing in life is to get married and that i’m seriously deprived. being single isn’t a character flaw and i’m so fucking sick of the suggestion that it is.

anywhoozits, this tumblr is hilarious. a few favorites:

when my friend tells me i’m dating the wrong kinds of men:

(via) (i may never learn, but hot damn there is something so wonderful about douchecanoes.)

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when my married friend says there a lot of perks to being single:

(via)

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when my friend tells me my biological clock is ticking:

(via)

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when someone asks me why i’m still single:

(via) (if the shoe fits…)

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when someone tells me to try online dating:

(via)

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when someone says you will find someone when you least expect it:

(via)

 

ETA: i absolutely do not resent my friends’ relationships. being single is right for me now, not right for everyone. i just tire of the hints and flat out statements that something is wrong with me because of my relationship status.

life update

so hi. it’s been a while. i’ve been tweeting but not blogging. all the more reason to follow me on twitter. UPDATES:

i got a new job. and not just any job, but my dream job–the one which i imagined when envisioning my perfect life. i’m doing a one year fellowship, so it’s not a permanent job, but it is giving me a foot in the door into the life i want. i’m a lawyer at a non-profit and work on cases i deeply believe in. i work with some of the most passionate and skilled people i’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting and i’m learning a TON. it’s insanely humbling, too. yanno how people say law school doesn’t prepare you to practice? HUGE FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT. if anyone has any suggestions for a good book or other resource that’ll help bridge the gap, please let me know.

i moved. i now live in a crazy ass state where it’s hot all the time, which has been a huge adjustment. but my apartment is super cute and not living with my parents anymore is glorious,the stuff about which angels sing.

i lost 39 pounds. i more or less gave up eating carbs at the end of april. i still have a ways to go, but i feel so much better. problem: none of my clothes fit anymore. i was at a deposition last week and my skirt almost fell off when i bent over to grab some papers. please take me seriously, state attorney, as my clothes fall off in the middle of your conference room. ewps. i took a suit to a new-to-me tailor yesterday and he was hilarious. “why don’t you buy clothes that fit?” “they fit when i bought them.” “oh, so you were fat. but not anymore! good job.” well played, little old man, well played.

i’m still insanely in love with window seats on a flight. it’s where i do my best soul-searching. two days after i moved, i flew to DC for work. it was then that things finally felt real. the past year has been really challenging and to finally have things headed in the right direction is overwhelming. so i was the crazy person weeping while being glued to the window.

that’s about it. i hope you all are and have been well. i’d like to think i’ll blog more, but i suppose we’ll see.

too perfect to not share

(via)

on being grateful

i have a serious problem with envy. always have. if i see a person who has something i want and don’t or can’t have, i become very sour. it’s always been a big flaw of mine that seems to have gotten worse lately. when you feel your life is in neutral, it’s really hard to see everyone go forward with their lives: getting sweet jobs, getting engaged/married, riding fantastic horses, and leading lives that look nearly perfect from the outside. facebook just adds to the problem. people post all the great things in their lives, but little of the crappy. it’s a really disingenuous way to keep up with people–life is the good and the bad. i don’t think most people are intentionally trying to be dishonest, they’d just rather focus on the positive. i do it too.

i reached a point a few weeks ago when i realized how negative an impact facebook was having on me: i had become resentful of my friends for their success. if that doesn’t make me a shitty friend, i don’t know what does. why should i be bitter that my friends are leading the lives they’ve sought for years? why should i begrudge them their happiness? after all, i have a lot of great things in the world, i’m just not where i thought i’d be at 25.

so i deleted facebook. i’m not good at having it without using it (my college roommate and i took each other’s passwords during exams every year in college and grad/law school because we’re terribly impulsive), so deleting was the only way to go. it’s been a few weeks and the changes were immediately obvious. i may not have an awesome litigation job making six figures a year, but i have a job that gives me income and a daily purpose. i may not have an awesome apartment, but i live rent free with my parents (who i get along with well) and that’s a super sweet situation. i may not be riding right now, but sailing season is just about to start. in short, i have a lot to be grateful for, and comparing myself to others is certainly not a healthy way to live. i’m in a much better place mentally without facebook and figure that if people really want to stay in touch, they will. i’ll reach out in other ways to the people i want to, not the tangential people who i haven’t seen in years (my definition of friend is quite loose).

in the same vein, i unfollowed a lot of people on twitter. there are so many people who spend all their time posting every negative thought that comes to mind and i just can’t be around that kind of bullshit.

this is part of operation: get my shit together. i’ll fill you in on more of it later, but it’s definitely going well so far.

the grammys and chris brown

i know i haven’t published in a while, but let’s just pretend there’s been no absence and just start again, okay? okay.

i don’t generally watch awards shows–i find them self-indulgent and a bit obnoxious. but i love music and a few favorites were up for awards (so excited for bon iver!), so i thought i’d watch the grammys this year. it was an interesting experience, to say the least. from nicki minaj’s first outfit and that incredibly offensive and bizarre performance (artists: the making-fun-of-catholicism schtick is played out. find something else) to the temper tantrums some artists had for not winning, to that amazing chipotle commercial (i promptly purchased willie nelson’s cover of the scientist and had chipotle for dinner last night–effective advertising!), to all the crazy and gorgeous and heinous outfits, it was definitely a captivating evening.

one thing that particularly caught my attention was the hubbub around chris brown–people were furious that he was invited to perform and that he won R&B album of the year. his heinous behavior toward rihanna is explicitly detailed in the police report and that leaked photo of rihanna is terrifying.

there seem to be two CB camps: the people who are rabidly in love with him and attempt to defend his honor left and right, and the people who refuse to forgive him. camp A: buzzfeed captured screenshots of a bunch of girls saying they’d let chris brown beat them up. camp B: read his twitter mentions.

imagine my surprise (horror?) last night when i’m sitting there with my delicious chipotle and twitter and find myself agreeing with a westboro baptist church phelps. background: i follow a very opinionated NYC lawyer who rants a lot. she went off on CB saying all the usual he’s such a terrible person stuff. megan  phelps-roper, fred phelps’s granddaughter, went after her for it, saying that attacking him is hypocritical, merciless, and self-righteous. now, i don’t agree with her on all of it–i don’t think it’s hypocritical to attack him for it unless you’ve beaten a woman like that. but these grudges are just ridiculous. don’t get me wrong, i think he’s a terrible person, but reminding him of what he did 3 years ago every moment he says or does anything isn’t right. i don’t like his music, i don’t think he’s a good person, i wouldn’t date him, but i don’t get why people can’t let it go, especially when rihanna has. and what about everyone else? TI has served time for weapons and drugs, and people still like his music. eminem has problems all over the place, and he’s a popular grammy winner.

i guess my bottom line is that there are so many weightier issues in the world to focus on that i just don’t understand the need to dwell on something that happened three years ago.

2012 challenge

hello world! i know everyone is sick of the resolution posts, but this isn’t really that. stick with me (or not).

my 2012 goal/resolution is to change my habits one at a time. i’ll give myself one habit to change each month–any more than that is too daunting–and focus on that one habit each month. i’m hoping that in doing this, i’ll end the year with several habits that have stuck and change myself for the better. i’m not worried if i don’t make all 12 at the end of the year, but there are several things i would very much like to continue focusing on. i got this idea from zen habits and think it’s really fantastic–a manageable way to tackle life changes.

for january my habit is to get active: i want to sweat every day this month. i started running in november and even started a fitness blog about it (i don’t want to turn this space into a fitness blog) and i’m in a much better place physically than i was then. however, my focus this month isn’t to lose weight (i’ve lost nary a pound since i’ve started running), but to just get my heart pumping. running three days a week, wii fit/stationary biking/rowing machine the other days (i don’t have the funds or desire to join a gym right now). i used to be very active, law school killed that, and now it’s (past) time to reverse course.

so here we go.

the requisite 2011 review

this has been one bizarre year. while i know everyone is doing a post like this and most people are sick to death of them, i still want to do one. my blog = my rules. suck it, trebek.

today is december 31st. the 365th day of 2011. if the mayans are right, it’s the last december 31st we’ll ever have (i have my doubts). 2o11 was the biggest roller coaster of a year i’ve yet experienced. so many tears: happy ones, frustrated ones, heartbroken ones. so many laughs. in short, it was just like any other year, but with some more milestones.

i graduated from law school.

i passed the bar.

my dog died. i neither blogged nor tweeted about this because i couldn’t bring myself to do it. definitely the worst part of 2011.

i went to virginia and portland. made new friends and reconnected with old friends.

i moved back to colorado after 7 years on the east coast.

i spent all of august, september, and october sailing.

i became an unemployed lawyer living with my parents. 

and most importantly, i discovered the truth of aristotle’s phrase: happiness depends upon ourselves.

 

into 2012 we go. as they say, cheers to the new year and another chance to get it right.

twitter: a love note

dear twitter,

you and i have been paired together for nearly three years now. i first joined you in february 2009, while up late one night writing a brief for my 1L legal writing class, which was (naturally) due the next day. i wasn’t quite sure what i was signing up for, but figured you would be a nice way to get news instantly.

what you actually provided me has been nothing short of remarkable. through you i have been able to share in excess of 12,000 thoughts, ideas, jokes, frustrations, good news, fears. you have shown me the thoughts of my favorite celebrities, connected me with old professors (even through my cloak of pseudo-anonymity), and–most importantly–introduced me to this amazing community of people. people i don’t know in person but love more than many people i spend time with. people who have been there for my dark days and been the first to share in the joys of the good.

this past week, my father had his spine re-fused in a six hour surgery. never have i been more afraid. my dad is my best friend on earth and i have no idea how i’ll exist without him in my life. thank goodness that’s not something i have to address today. i sent out a tweet the day before surgery asking for good thoughts and prayers. not something i normally do, but i was terrified. in addition to the normal litany of surgical risks, this operation also brought with it some very horrifying possibilities. and the twitter response i received was overwhelming.

page after page of replies like that. left me speechless.

i rarely update facebook anymore. getting updates from people i know (and many i’d prefer not to) pales in comparison to you, twitter. it entertains me when people ask why i tweet and assume that i’m updating people who don’t care about my breakfast menu. why do i tweet? this amazing community.

twitter, you rock.

xx,
firecracker.